Why You Should Never Send The First Sext, Revealed
The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several.
Basically everyone loves sexting, unless they really really love Jesus. Sexting is just the most fun you can have. You’re inconspicuously going around your day, writing contracts, or waiting tables, and meanwhile, all your dirtiest fantasies are playing out in your pocket. While everybody else on the bus is just sort of grimly contemplating the hellish winter landscape outside, you’re sitting at the back, flexing your literary genius and getting your partner all worked up. Unless you accidentally text your boss (or your ex) an intense description of the passionate cunnilingus you plan on performing, it’s the best.
Which is why it’s tempting to immediately start sexting someone you’ve been seeing immediately. I get it. You’re in a tizzy about your new sexual partner, and whenever you’re not getting laid, you’re sitting around thinking about them, and, hey, there’s your phone, ready to broadcast all of your perverted sensibilities.
Nevertheless: if you’re a man, I’d recommend against sending the first sext. Let her do it. This will save you, and her, a lot of potential misery. Let me explain why.
So, there’s a gigantic difference in the dating experiences of women and men — most prevalently on online dating sites, which is where practically everyone sets up most of their dates and/or their meaningless hookups. Being a woman on the Internet is a very different situation from what men face. It’s generally more tiring, and potentially more traumatic.
More specifically: if you’re a man, online dating is like a fun game, or a depressing competition, depending on whether you’ve read about how to level up your Tinder skills on this website. You carefully craft clever messages, send them off to gorgeous women, and run around your apartment doing dumb victory dances if you get a response. Basically, there’s nothing at risk except your self-esteem, and rejection is about the worst thing you have to look forward to.
However, for women on the Internet, harassment is basically the norm. If you’re a woman, every time you get a message from a guy on Tinder, or OKCupid, or wherever, there’s a decent possibility that it’s an unsolicited dick pic, or an inappropriately sexual message, or whatever. This is just undeniably true. I help some of my female friends with their Tinder lives sometimes, and you wouldn’t believe the thickets of totally disgusting nonsense they deal with. I don’t know why this is the case exactly — it’s probably related to the gross messaging men get about masculinity, and it’s just possible that it has something to do with the hallucinatory power of too much testosterone. Regardless, it is most assuredly a thing. Women have to screen out a lot of unwelcome sexual douchebaggery.
Moreover, even if you’re not one of these men — you’re not perpetrating low-key harassment — and you can charm a woman into meeting you for a drink, there’s still a huge gender imbalance, most likely, in terms of what’s going on in your head and her head on the date. Basically, a man on a first date is wondering whether he’s going to get laid, or whether his jokes are landing, or whether his fly is down. And a woman is thinking about that stuff too, but she’s also wondering whether she’s dealing with a sexual predator, since the terrifically sad reality is that many (perhaps even most) women deal with some sort of sexual assault at some point in their lives.
So, you’ve got to keep this in mind, and remember not to set off a woman’s “maybe this is guy is a total creep” alarms in the early stages of a relationship. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be flirtatious or outgoing. It just means that you should often hold off on being overtly sexual as soon as you feel like it. Otherwise, you might unintentionally end your new relationship immediately.
Moreover, keep in mind that generally men are less adept at reading romantic and sexual signals than women are. This is just because of a lack of training. Again: men risk being rejected, and women risk being assaulted. It only makes sense that men are a little more reckless about this kind of thing. Keep that in mind — remember that you might unintentionally cross boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Reign in your instincts accordingly.
By the way, this relates to a good general rule about dating, which is that you should listen to women talk about annoying/harmful things that men do, and then be honest about whether you’re maybe at risk of doing them yourself. You know how women talk about how men are scatterbrained idiots who forget about birthdays and Valentine’s Day? Well, maybe you’re a scatterbrained idiot too — set up some Google alerts. You know how women write editorials and Facebook posts about their negative experiences with men who push them into sexual behaviour they’re uncomfortable with? Consider that maybe, unintentionally, you’ve been part of the problem, and that you should focus on behaving yourself, and not pushing your relationships in a sexual direction immediately.
But, but, but, you say, I, like, really want to sext. Well, don’t worry — if a woman is into sexting, she will sext you, eventually. Maybe she’ll text you “I’ve been thinking about last night,” and you’ll respond “what were you thinking about exactly,” and then, bam, your life is complete. All too often, men have the mindset that they need to initiate, that they need to go out and make everything happen. And while this is mostly true of asking somebody out on the first date, it’s not true of sexual stuff. Women are sexual beings, they don’t give out sex to be charitable — they go for what they want, when they’re comfortable enough to do it.
Now, there’s an exception here. If you’ve been in a relationship with somebody for a while, and there’s no sexting going on, well, just ask your girlfriend if she’s into dirty messages. If it’s at that point, it’s just another element of your sex life, and you can have that conversation. You’re already past the “is he a predator?” stage, so you can just focus on turning each other on as much as possible.
Really, though: before that stage, be a gentleman. Text her to say you had fun on your date, or fun in bed with her, and that you’d like to see her again. Don’t be a filthy pig. Let her be a filthy pig first. And then participate enthusiastically.
Source : AskMen.com